Catch 22

I realized something this evening...I'm ready to move on. My heart is not like a light switch that can be turned on and off so this didn't happen overnight. I would be lying if I said I didn't care or didn't love him anymore but I love myself more and that's what's most important.

I want someone to love me the way that I love...give like I give...I want the 110% that I give to be reciprocated.

So what's the problem? Once I move on...there's no turning back. It's like catch 22. He said if he was ready to commit he would be with me but you guessed it...he still has some run in him and is nowhere close to being ready. His actions have shown me this...he made it loud and clear. He's not ready but as soon as I move on there will no chances of us getting back together. It's like a no-win situation...catch 22.

The question I now need to ask myself is...it's been two weeks and counting...should I even care?

I'm disappointed but still can't call

I found out he's back in town....

How do you come back in town and not call to check on your baby? This isn't about me, it's not about about him, it's about our child.

Okay...so this is taking this not calling mess to a whole nother level. This is beyond a challenge, this is ridiculous...

BUT I'M STILL NOT GOING TO CALL!!!

Why you may ask? Why should I? He doesn't care enough about his child to see how things are...to make sure everything is A-OK. Heck, he didn't even call to say...I haven't seen my baby in several weeks and would like to see my baby.

Who is this man? I really don't know him...I'm so disappointed...all I can say is WOW...

What's two weeks and counting?

Okay, so while we're arguing I say I'm not going to call anymore. I'm so angry that I say, I'll only send a text message or email AND that's only if it's about the baby. (I sound so mature huh?)

Well you know what his response was?...

I bet you call. Let's see how long it takes before you call me.

Oh, so now you want to challenge me? I'm one of the most competitive women you'll ever meet so you know what that statement meant...

GAME ON!!!

It's been two weeks and counting since I've called him. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was Sunday, March 22, 2009. It sounds so crazy and childish but...

Let's see how long I can go...two weeks and counting...

So how did we get here?

So you ask...just how did we get here? How did I get to the point where I am counting how long it's been since I talked to my ex? You know, the funny thing is I don't think either one of us has the answer but I'll try my best to answer this question...

Let's see it was almost exactly a year ago when I met him...you know Mr. Prince Charming...6'6" handsome man that made every inch of my body explode. I guess you could say it was lust at first sight. Well, we exchanged numbers, talked for hours, for days, and eventually had our first date. Our first date turned into our first everything...you get my drift?

So let's fast forward past a couple of dates...lust turned to love and everything moved super fast. It moved so fast that I think it scared both of us. We moved so fast that we were doing everything that couples do that have been together for years, for ages, including conceiving a little one. Yep...I got pregnant.

I chose to be responsible for our actions and kept our baby. This was a very hard decision to make and it put a strain on our relationship. We fought over everything...if you can imagine it...small, big...it didn't matter...it was to be argued over.

Okay...let's fast forward some more...I don't think I ever really forgave him for the things he said and did during my pregnancy but of course now that baby is here I expected him to be different. Why? I don't know...a tiger doesn't change its stripes so why did I think he would change? People do change...just not him. I'm going through every trial and tribulation a person can experience...and add new mother to the equation. So I'm tired, stressed, drained, emotional, sensitive...typical woman stuff huh? So while we're on the phone, he continues to say things that add to my current distress...not eliminate. So what happens next? A huge argument and...

I'M SO DONE WITH YOU!!! *add profanity here*

Yep, in a nutshell, I told the man that I love that I'm done with him and he says he's done with me. So where does that leave me...